Goddamned Disco Balls
by notantihero
Summary: A random collection of ficlets featuring the FF XIII cast in the Twilightverse. Hilarity and eyesight losses ensue. Crack.


_**Note: **__A random collection of ficlets. Don't expect plot. It's exactly what it says: random._

_I'll update sporadically I suppose, whenever I find something else to poke fun at. And I try to make everyone reasonably IC, at least. Buuuut, I don't know about the Twilight cast. Hope the sparklies don't deviate _too _much._

* * *

><p><strong>Sparkle<strong>

There must be something wrong with them, Lightning decided. To... to sparkle _so goddamned much_. Sparkle. For some reason she felt dirty thinking of the word, because surely no organic being should... sparkle. Logically, it does not make sense. But this world, it seems, defies logic quite aptly.

Because Lightning found herself unwillingly tensing up every time one of them crossed the window. Which happened often, because the window was one of those extravagantly useless floor-to-ceiling ones.

Oh, sweet merciful Etro. The blonde one sat up, and she knew what was coming next. She just _knew._ A glance at Fang, and she almost sighed in relief at seeing the look on her face. She looked like she wanted to swaddle her face with her sari and flee to the nearest corner. Or summon Bahamut and park him outside the window, perhaps. Lightning hoped she had the option with Odin, but his armour would just reflect the sun, and instead of having seven sets of sparkling beings, she would have eight. Besides, he was not as big as Bahamut, and she didn't feel the need to remind him of his size complex.

The blonde man crossed the window, and Lightning politely looked away. If you could call turning 180 degrees polite, that is. She turned back again, facing the rest of the beings – grateful that she had been spared of being blinded by a living disco ball. And yes, she knew what a disco ball looked like, having had a stint at being a wild, rebellious teenager. But that was not the point.

Her relief did not last long, however, because the man had moved directly in front of the windows. By some divine intervention of the hellish sort, the cloud parted majestically and light flooded into the room.

"Welcome," he said, spreading his arms, "to our humble abode."

Show-off, Lightning would've said under her breath, but found herself too busy wondering if she would ever regain her sight back to think of anything else.

The man said again, "let me introduce ourselves. We are the Cullens: a clan-"

Just then, a loud boom and the sound of a lot of crackings drowned his voice out. She felt the thuds of heavy footsteps reverberate through her chest, and knew that a part of the house had collapsed.

Accuracy was never Bahamut's strongest point.

* * *

><p><strong>Baseball<strong>

The game was the most ridiculous thing he had ever seen. And Snow was a fan of sports, so that was saying a lot.

There was just... something slightly disturbing about a bunch of grown-up adults actually being so into a game as to have a matching set of uniform. Complete with player numbers on the back. He knew they were rich – certainly rich enough to afford custom made uniforms, but a family uniform? Really? And hitting balls with a stick and running around randomly on the field? Really?

This _world _and its _people_, Snow thought. Then hit the edge of his bat on the ground. "Ready," he said, hefting it up. Damned uncomfortable, playing with his trench coat, but hell if he's gonna use on of their uniforms.

The short pixie one, what's her name? Alice? Yeah. Alice grinned and did that stupid looking pose with a leg raised. Then...

"Strike!"

"Damnit!" he roared, striking his bat against the ground. Second time. He'd have to hit it now, no matter what. How could people who sparkle so much throw so goddamned fast? And once more, he readied his bat. "Ready!"

And _thuck!_

Homerun. _Yes!_ He saw the hair gel guy disappear into the forest and made a dash for the first base, aiming for a clean run back. Gonna make it, he thought triumphantly, resisting the urge to hit his chest with his fists. Gonna- the hell?

Because the hair gel guy was back. In less than three seconds. With Snow's ball in his hand. That sounded wro- oh, damnit, he was aiming and

"Save!"

A dive at the first base. Phew. He looked at the referee – the mother? (who looked around twenty-two) and grinned. She smiled back: a thumbs up at him. Then he glanced up at Lightning, still from his position at the ground. She looked very bored, punching her fist against her glove like that. Snow knew that in her mind, it was his face that she was punching.

Snow shuddered.

And shuddered again, albeit for an entirely different reason.

Hissings. There were a lot of hissings. There were a goddamned lot of hissings. And what he hated most in the world was snakes. Those creepy, crawly bastards. The slimy skin, those dead eyes, the- urgh. Just urgh. There was a brief impulse to jump up and hug Lightning for comfort, but the thought of her reaction triumphed even his fear of snakes. Didn't stop him from darting out one hand and grabbing her by the ankle, though.

"What-" Lightning stumbled from surprise, then seemed to realise that it was just him and regained his balance. She glared at him. "It's not snakes, Snow."

It's hard to believe her, not when she had immediately went and bought a pet snake after overhearing his fear and placed it on the entrance to her house.

Lightning sighed and shook her foot, detaching his grip. "It's not. Look."

Snow looked. At propped himself up by the elbow, sitting cross legged at the ground for a better vantage point. He resisted the urge to ask Lightning for popcorn – there were no snakes, but the scene before him was just

"Ridiculous, eh?" Fang appeared besides Lightning, standing with one elbow casually draped over Lightning's shoulder. "Feels like watching a bad movie."

Snow had to agree to that. They do look ridiculous, crouching and hissing with arms apart, exactly like what a bunch of grownups wouldn't do. It reminded him of those 'special' kids in high school. "What's that? New-"

"Sparklies, yeah," Fang said.

And Snow's eyes upgraded to the size of dinner plates as Fang abruptly reached over, unzipped Lightning's vest, and rummaged inside.

"Fang!" came Lightning's shocked gasp.

"Don't worry sunshine, everybody already knows."

Well, Snow certainly didn't _know._ And his mind, dear creator, his _mind_. "Holy-"

"Your turn," she said cheerfully, forcefully reaching into Snow's trouser pockets. He found himself gasping when her probing fingers brushed a very, very dangerous place. And that 'dangerous place' was growing. A few torturous seconds later, she withdrew her hand with his crystal in her grip. "Aha, gotcha!"

"_Fang, _you better explain now or-"

"Relax, Light. And cover that, will ya Snow?"

Snow buttoned up his coat very primly. Hiding his growing embarrassment, he coughed. "And what are you going to do with our crystals?"

She grinned at him and said: "this." Then tossed all three crystals out and broke them simultaneously with a single blitz.

A horse, a dragon, and a motorcycle dropped from the sky and landed on top of the newcomers. The hissings immediately stopped.

Snow and Lightning looked at Fang.

"Well," she said, shrugging, "I've had enough of being blinded daily. Don't need more of 'em hanging around." Then turned and walked towards the now very silent family.

Snow stood up (making sure his coat remained neatly in place) and trudged stiffly after her, joining the fray. "Wow," he said, looking at the debris on the grass. "It's just like you guys are made of stone or something."

The father (who looked around twenty-three) cleared his throat. "Yes. Technically, we are."

* * *

><p><strong>Bella<strong>

The girl was pretty. A bit pale and clumsy, perhaps. But still pretty. And that was the only thing that mattered for Fang. Who cares if she's Spiky Hair's mate; it certainly hasn't stopped her conquests before. And yep. Mate. Taken straight from their mouths. Who uses the word mate these days, anyway?

She cornered the girl against a wall and held out a hand, running her fingers down the girl's cheek. "You're quite the pretty face. Anyone told ya that, sugar?" Because sunshine, obviously, had been reserved for Lightning and Lightning only.

"Actually..." The girl hesitated, biting her lips. "Not really."

"Uh-huh," came Fang's noncommittal sound, urging her to continue. Shy. Just her type.

"I'm so boring," the girl said, "no one ever pays attention to me. I even _look_ boring-"

"Now now there, sugar." Self-esteem issues there. That could be rectified after a night with Fang, no problem.

"I mean, I don't understand why the guys in my school kept _asking me out_. It's so annoying. Gosh, I don't know what their problem is. I can't even go to my car without tripping over one of them, sometimes."

Wait. What? How did she go from self-deprecating to blatant self-complimenting?

"And Jacob. Don't even get me started." She scoffed, and Fang felt her grin falter. "I don't even know what they see in me. I trip over flat surfaces, I'm average looking... I just don't know what makes me so special, you know?"

Fang was at loss for words.

"I felt so alone and so helpless. So _alienated_. I thought I couldn't fit in anywhere: a social outcast. Then I met Edward..."

Two hours and many, many velvety adjectives later, Fang strolled out of the house in a daze and approached Lightning, who was occupied with repairing a collapsed section of the wall.

She stood behind Lightning's kneeling form, hands on her hips. Sniffing, she looked up at the sky. "I believe this is what they call karma."

"Perhaps," Lightning said airily. Then drove a nail into a wooden board with such force it split into two.


End file.
